The lyrics, they really got to me. Love, its always worth it.
Love's not a feeling
Love's not convenient
But I know love will change your life
Love takes sacrifice
Love cuts like a knife
Sometimes love will make your cry
Love's not easy
But it's worth it
(c) Words Music LLC 2013
Oh, but fear. FEAR. FEAR that is not from the Lord. I was texting with a dear, dear friend who has been on this adoption path with me for years. I asked her if feelings I had were from God or were from fear. She said its fear. God does not give us feelings that are not in line with His goodness. God would not make me feel anxious about a child and their needs. He will give me clarity on a situation if I ask for it, and will give us peace and calm if we decide that we can or cannot parent a particular child. But anxiety? That comes from the evil one, who does not want kids in loving families.
Today, while they were singing in church, I looked at the stage, and remembered it was filled with rocks. When our church was built, the congregation wrote names on stones and placed them in the stage. Names of people they wanted to hear the gospel proclaimed from that stage. Names of loved ones they were praying for. This was before our time at our church, so I do not have a rock in the stage. But a few years ago when our church built its new children's ministry wing and lobby/fellowship area, they did the rock thing again. What people did we want to hear the message of Grace and Truth in that space? Write their name on a rock, pray over it, and place it in the floor.
Today in church I remembered that rock. My husband and I prayed over it, and wrote "Our children." We had no children yet, were newlyweds, but already knew that infertility would play a part in our journey to start a family. We felt strongly that adoption would also come to play. After the service, we found out that my parents had written "Our grandchildren" on their rock. They had no grandchildren yet, either.
When we placed that rock in that foundation, we had no inclination of what our family would look like. Eli and his birth family were not in our life yet. God saw it all, though. When we stood with Eli's birth family in our church lobby last spring, I was conscious that we were standing over that rock. God saw this moment of all of E's family there to dedicate him to the Lord.
How quickly though I forgot about that rock! Today, God reminded me. We put that in the floor, trusting on his promises to never leave us or forsake us in this journey. Not everyone is meant to be a parent, but we knew that the desire he had placed on our heart was not a mistaken feeling. And He has been more than faithful.
As we pray over the situations surrounding our second child and their addition to our family, I will remember that rock. God knows. God knows which kids it represents. We don't yet. But He can see them taking toddling steps across the nursery there. He can see them lighting with excitement at seeing their friends. He can see them sleepily sitting on their suitcases in the lobby waiting for a 6am bus to camp. He can see this all....and this calms my anxiety. It does't make it go away, because the evil one is always lurking. But it adds a soothing balm to it, and gives me moments of clarity.
So thankful for our rock in the floor, and Our Rock in Heaven.