The day we got the call to drive to another state for the twins' birth, right before we left Eli with my parents, I sat and rocked him in his chair. We don't always rock him, but when he is needy we do. This time though, it was me who was needy. I was scared of becoming a family of 5 overnight. Scared of getting hurt if things didn't work out. Scared of never getting those precious moments again with him.
This journey, three kids born in 24 months, has been hard. A blessing. Something that is shaping and changing me. Hard. Did I mention it's hard? And worth it, absolutely. In those moments when N&E smile at me or Eli does something so sweet and big brotherly, I know it's all worth it.
Tonight, I sat wearing out the floor in my rocker with a new baby. She's learning to be unswaddled and having a hard time. I rocked my littlest and felt the rightness of it. Time moves on and families grow. Rocking N tonight, I didn't regret that it wasn't Eli. Before they arrived, that was one of my fears- that having three kids so close together, I would be rushing away Eli's babyhood. A two year old seems so big compared to a newborn. Tonight, it was just this new phase that I am in. It felt so right. When we couldn't discern the path for our family, God could. When I said "Lord I don't think I can handle this," He said "You sure can't, without Me." What a journey of reliance on Him this has been.
For the foreseeable future, I will still be spending my nights rocking...