Monday, January 20, 2014

Still Rocking

This summer, I wrote about rocking Eli before we rocked his world. About how I didn't know when he would become a brother, and how I would just hold him at night and wonder if this was the last time with his as our only baby. 

The day we got the call to drive to another state for the twins' birth, right before we left Eli with my parents, I sat and rocked him in his chair.  We don't always rock him, but when he is needy we do. This time though, it was me who was needy.  I was scared of becoming a family of 5 overnight. Scared of getting hurt if things didn't work out. Scared of never getting those precious moments again with him. 

This journey, three kids born in 24 months, has been hard. A blessing. Something that is shaping and changing me. Hard. Did I mention it's hard? And worth it, absolutely. In those moments when N&E smile at me or Eli does something so sweet and big brotherly, I know it's all worth it.
And I might not get many of those baby moments with Eli anymore, but the big kid moments are just as special. 

Tonight, I sat wearing out the floor in my rocker with a new baby. She's learning to be unswaddled and having a hard time. I rocked my littlest and felt the rightness of it. Time moves on and families grow. Rocking N tonight, I didn't regret that it wasn't Eli. Before they arrived, that was one of my fears- that having three kids so close together, I would be rushing away Eli's babyhood. A two year old seems so big compared to a newborn. Tonight, it was just this new phase that I am in. It felt so right. When we couldn't discern the path for our family, God could. When I said "Lord I don't think I can handle this," He said "You sure can't, without Me." What a journey of reliance on Him this has been. 

For the foreseeable future, I will still be spending my nights rocking...

In Him, 


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